A Mary Sue Murder
by siriuslysirus123
Summary: Mary Sue had been murdered. No one knows who the killer is and why Mary Sue was murdered. Before you know it some will die and some will live. The ones who remain have to figure out who is responsbilbe for all the deaths.
1. The Death of Mary Sue

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lord Of The Rings. I do own Mary Sue though unfortunately.

**Author:** Yes we know that.

**Disclaimer:** Hey I'm just saying.

**Author:** Okay then onwards with the story. Elvish are in Italics.

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MarySueMaryJaneStarWildfireMoonbeamRobinRenRainbowYoMama

MichaelJacksonSmith let's call her Mary Sue ran down the stairs to smell the aromas of the flowers nearby. Mary Sue cocked her head to see a butterfly fluttering on the ceiling. Mary Sue had long blond hair down to her back, which was braided in a ponytail. She was very tall for her age, which happened to be in her twenties. Her eyes were blue like water and when she was looking at someone their eyes would water. With her eyes came her face. Her face was long and pearly white. Forget the freckles and pimples since she is so dam perfect. Then came her long slender body the result of being so slender was that she was capable of doing anything impossible. Finally, she was wearing a gold bikini. Mary Sue then switched her gaze to Legolas who was sitting in the hot tub waiting for her.

"_Hey baby, you are looking so beautiful just like the ocean in your eyes.''_ Legolas said in Elvish.

" _Hannon Lee.'' _Thank you Correct me if I am wrong Mary Sue then climbed into the tub and did a belly flop. Legolas laughed then helped her up " Why are you in here for? Frodo said that you wanted to see me.'' She said as she got up to her feet.

Legolas could not answer her. How can I explain this to her while not sounding like I am stupid? He thought. Before he knew it he jumped on top of Mary Sue and started kissing her.

" Oh Legolas stop Legolas please tell me what you want?'' Mary Sue said impatiently.

Legolas jumped off her and took a few breaths. Then he sat up and said.

"Mary Sue, I love you. We are meant to be together forever.''

Mary Sue blinked because she failed to understand where Legolas was going with this. The minor set back of being so perfect is sometimes the Mary Sues are not intellectual. " Legolas, you tell me that you love all the time?'' Mary Sue batted her eyelashes.

" I know that,'' Legolas said frustrated. Legolas then took out a box. Mary Sue stared at the box and started to squeal. Legolas smiled and opened the box. It was a diamond ring! He then got onto to one knee and said: " Mary Sue I love you so much! I want you and I to live together happily and forever! Will you be my wife?''

Mary Sue squealed louder and started to jump up and down. " Of course I will marry you!'' She hugged Legolas and they kissed. Suddenly, they heard a BANG. Mary Sue was shot. She fall off Legolas and fell into the tub with her hair matted with blood. Legolas screamed at the top of his lungs.

"THEIR HAS BEEN A MURDER!''

The others rushed in from various locations.

" Who has been murdered?'' Gandalf asked.

"MarySueMaryJaneStarWildfireMoonbeamRobinRenYoMamaMichael Jackson Smith let's call her Mary Sue is dead.'' Legolas cried.

The gang moved closer to the tub. Gandalf peered closely at Mary Sue and then said in a monotonous voice: " Mary Sue is a goner.''

"Yeah,'' the others said in unison.

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In a dark cave somewhere outside of Rivendell two eyes watched the Fellowship through a window and saw the whole thing. Suddenly, the cave erupted with deep laughter.


	2. The Death of another person

**Author: **Welcome back everybody! Did everyone enjoy the first chapter?

Wow that's great now here is the next one!

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own Lord Of The Rings. Once again that belongs to Tolkien. If it were mine I wouldn't be doing this piece of crap.

**Author:** Well said.

**Disclaimer:** Thank you.

**Author: **Onwards, with the story.

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Two days had passed since Mary Sue's death. Legolas walked into the gardens and sat on the bench. He then looked at Mary Sue's grave. Her grave said: Herby lies:

MarySueMaryJaneStarWildfireMoonbeamRobinRenRainbowYoMamaMichealJackson Smith let's call her Mary Sue rest in perfect peace.

Born?

Died: March 15th 2006.

This made Legolas start to sob. " I can't believe that Mary Sue died!'' We were going to get married and now she's gone! I am going to find out who committed this horrible crime and they shall pay for it!'' Poor Legolas. He was dealing with this the worst. Aragorn was walking by and saw Legolas alone by himself. Aragorn decided to go outside and comfort Legolas.

" Hey buddy what is up?'' Aragorn asked.

" What do you think is up? I'll tell you Mary Sue!''

" Hey man I'm just trying to be nice.''

"Your right,'' Legolas said getting up and walked over to Aragorn. " I can't believe that Mary Sue is dead.''

" Gee I agree with you Legolas.'' Aragorn said sarcastically. Aragorn and the others didn't like Mary Sue. Mary Sue was so dam perfect and she annoyed the heck out of him. He really couldn't care less if she died. Besides he thought Mary Sues are out to destroy the Earth by showing up in Middle Earth randomly and trying to manipulate one of us by falling in love with them. Legolas was roped into this and now he understood what can happen if he falls in love with a Mary Sue. Aragorn understood everything about Mary Sues and there wickedness. They all started by a stupid author who thought it would be funny if a girl who was perfect came to Middle Earth and made one of the characters fall in love with her and mess up Middle Earth. Aragorn decided that he might as well write a book. The title shall be called: Mary Sues the Killers. Aragorn then said out loud:

" Legolas, at least Mary Sue is up in the sky watching over you and us. She wouldn't want us to be moody all the time.''

" How can I be not moody?'' Legolas sniffed. " I lost the love of my life!''

" Leg, would Mary Sue want you to be moody?''

" No.''

" Then don't be!''

" Aragorn I can't.''

" Alright fine.'' Aragorn said having enough. Aragorn then walked inside.

" Hey Strider, what's wrong with Legolas?'' Frodo asked.

" You know, Legolas is still crying over Mary Sue. She was such a twit.''

" I know,'' Frodo said simply. " I don't like her either but we have to be there for Legolas when he needs us.''

" Oh sure thing Dr. Phil!'' Aragorn replied huffily and walked away. Aragorn was pissed. He walked past Gandalf who was doing some magic stuff but Aragorn ignored him. He walked into his room and jumped onto his bed. " Hey God it's me Aragorn. These past few days have been a living hell and Legolas has been driving me insane! God what can I do to make things interesting?'' Aragorn became very tired all of a sudden. He crawled into to the covers and fell asleep.

Meanwhile, Legolas went inside. He decided to take a shower so he would feel better. While he was getting undressed he wondered why Aragorn was being such a prick? Aragorn and Legolas were buddies; he couldn't understand why Aragorn was not being supportive.

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A shadow watched Legolas getting ready to go into the shower. The shadow was happy. " Yes I killed Mary Sue so far this plan is a success. I have to now kill everyone that are involved with Mary Sues." The shadow then laughed evilly.

" But wait I need a plan. How do I kill them?'' The shadow thought and racked his brain for an idea. The shadow thought of an idea and was psyched to perform it.

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Later that night, everyone in the house was asleep in his bed But, not everyone that were outside were not. The shadow crept along in the garden being careful where he stepped. His feet were loud and anyone especially the elves could hear the mysterious footsteps. He strapped on bottles of shampoo that contained paint thinner. This was the greatest! "The elf won't have perfect hair any longer!" That is right. The shadow ran through the grass. Now searching for Legolas's room was going to be tough. " If I were an elf where would I be?'' The voice pondered. " I would be near a bathroom right?'' The shadow ran to all sides of the house. Then he stopped. He saw Legolas sleeping peacefully in his bed. The voice looked over and found the bathroom door open. Which was on the other side of the bedroom. Then the shadow ran to the bathroom window and opened the window. He then climbed in gracefully and shut the window. The door was opened so he ran inside too. As he walked in, the shadow was amazed. Legolas had all these kinds of elvish shampoos. " No wonder why he is such a sue.'' The shadow took out the paint thinners and poured out the regular shampoos. Then he took all the bottles and poured the paint thinners into them. Yes! This was great. He thought. He then climbed out the window and disappeared into the darkness.

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The next morning, Legolas woke up all pampered and refreshed. He stretched and yawned figuring that today was going to be a better day. He didn't seem to be depressed about Mary Sue as much as yesterday. Life was better. With that thought he walked into the shower. He undressed and got into the shower. Then he grabbed the "shampoo.'' And spread some on his hair.

Once he was done, Legolas got out of the shower and dried his hair and put on his bathrobe. Legolas walked to the mirror and brushed his hair. He discovered the fact that he had split ends in his hair. Legolas's body went into shock and he fell over and died.

Pippin ran upstairs to go to the bathroom. He had to pee really badly. Once he got upstairs, he felt it dripping in his pants. He than ran to the door and started to bang on the door. " Legolas I know your in there I have to pee!''

Pippin didn't get a response. He then knocked again. " Legolas!'' Then Pippin kicked the door open and saw Legolas laying their dead. Pippin went to Legolas's side and examined him. " Legolas how can you be dead?'' He said. Pippin shouted for the others. Suddenly, the others rushed upstairs and rushed into the bathroom.

" Fool of a Took what was the meaning of interrupting me doing my pointy hat trick?'' Gandalf demanded.

" Legolas is dead.'' Pippin cried.

Gandalf pushed Pippin aside and looked at Legolas. " He isn't breathing that's for one thing.'' Gandalf examined Legolas some more until he reached a conclusion. " Legolas has been sued.''

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**Author: Well** what do you think now?

**Disclaimer:** I like this.

**Author:** At least Aragorn agrees with me with the whole Mary Sue concept.

**Aragorn:** Yeah.

**Author:** I know Legolas died. It is sad. But it had to be done. I am sorry to all you Legolas fan girls who want to kill me now. Runs Away Read and review!


	3. Another Death Follows

**Author:** Welcome back everyone! I hope you enjoyed Chapter two even though Legolas died. I told you before and I will tell you again Legolas is always sued and now enough is enough. I am sure that you crazy Legolas fan girls are rioting in the streets and coming up with evil plans to kill me. You will fail. Anyway, excuse me. Here's Disclaimer to tell you the usual crap.

**Disclaimer:** Thank you Author. Of course I don't Lord Of The Rings. Why bother saying this. I mean really would anyone be so dumb that they would sue? Tolkien owns Lord Of The Rings. He will always even though he's dead. God rest his soul. Back to you Author.

**Author:** Thank you Disclaimer for that piece of crap as always.

**Disclaimer:** I try.

**Author**: Okay, onwards with the story.

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" But Gandalf, how can Legolas be dead? Their aren't any signs of pain.'' Merry asked bewildered.

" Well Merry there is only one possibility.'' Gandalf answered.

"What's that?''

" Legolas has died from having split ends.''

The fellowship and Faramir stated forms of protest. Gandalf needed them to understand but he couldn't because everyone else was protesting.

" Oh come on Gandalf tell us the truth, Legolas couldn't have died from split ends.'' Faramir protested.

" Faramir is right.'' Boromir said agreeing with Faramir.

Faramir, Boromir, and the hobbits protested and Aragorn and Gimli remained silent.

" GUYS SHUT UP!'' Gandalf yelled.

Faramir and the others shut their mouths and looked at Gandalf with wonder in their faces.

" Having split ends as much as Legolas can kill elves.'' " I read in a magazine that split ends are the number one cause of death in elves. Forget from being slain in battle and having a broken heart SPLIT ENDS MAN! Surprise, shock, gasp!'' Gandalf explained.

" That's right.'' Gimli replied primly.

" What do we do with Legolas's body?'' Sam asked while looking at Legolas's body.

" We can't leave him here.'' Frodo said obviously.

" No shit Sherlock.'' Aragorn huffed.

Aragorn, Faramir, and Boromir picked up Legolas and carried his body outside to where Mary Sue was buried.

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The shadow went back to the cave. It was a bright sunny day and everything was going his way. Legolas is dead. What else could go wrong? The shadow watched the others grieve for Legolas and could not help it smiling and laughing to himself. The shadow paced back and forth to glance at every angle. The shadow had to say one thing: " HALEUJAH!'' The shadow jumped up and down.

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" Phew Aragorn please take a shower. You smell like feet.'' Sam stated.

" I smell like a man!'' Aragorn replied hotly.

Aragorn really smelled and needed a shower. Despite everyone's protests he will not take a shower at any cost. Aragorn missed Legolas. Legolas would have usually said that you're own man and stuff like that. Sam walked out of the room holding his nose. Faramir then walked in and looked disgusted.

" Oh my lord what is that smell ? Oh never mind it's you and it always was you.''

"Shut up you moron.''

" Aragorn, please take a shower. How long has it been since you haven't showered?''

" Two.''

" Two days?''

" No, since I was two.''

" No wonder why you smell like Gandalf's feet.'' Faramir wrinkled his nose.

" Hey Faramir, want me to turn you into something unnatural?'' Gandalf said overhearing Faramir.

" Ummmm, no.''

" Then can it!'' Gandalf closed the door.

" Gee Faramir and how would you know about Gandalf's feet?'' Aragorn replied sarcastically.

" No reason.'' Faramir stood up and walked away.

" Right.''

Frodo came dancing about and started to do some pirouettes. Aragorn looked at Frodo as if an anvil struck Frodo.'' " Frodo , what the hell are you doing?''

" I'm so happy!'' Frodo exclaimed.

" Why?''

" I can only express it by song.'' Frodo then stood up and began to sing:

What will this day be like? I wonder.  
What will my future be? I wonder.  
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free  
My heart should be wildly rejoicing  
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure  
To do the things I've never dared  
And here I'm facing adventure  
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children  
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries  
If I don't I just know I'll turn back  
I must dream of the things I am seeking  
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance  
Face my mistakes without defiance  
Show them I'm worthy  
And while I show them  
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems  
I'll do better than my best  
I have confidence they'll put me to the test  
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them  
I will be firm but kind  
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)  
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain  
Everything will turn out fine  
I have confidence the world can all be mine  
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine  
I have confidence in rain  
I have confidence that spring will come again  
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers  
Strength doesn't lie in wealth  
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers  
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to  
All I trust becomes my own  
I have confidence in confidence alone  
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone  
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

Frodo then did some more pirouettes and cart wheels. This was amazing to Aragorn that Frodo could dance. Then, Frodo started to do the can can.

" Hey Frodo , are you high?''

" Just a little.'' Frodo replied.

" Weirdo…''

" Shut up smelly!'' Frodo said .

" I smell like a man!'' Aragorn said proudly.

" Men smell better than you do.'' Frodo sniffed. " You need a shower buddy.'' Frodo then walked away.

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" That's right smelly it's time you take a shower!'' The shadow laughed. The shadow checked to make sure no one else besides Aragorn was around. Then he climbed inside. He grabbed Aragorn and Aragorn kicked and screamed but no one heard him. Aragorn knew in his heart that water meant no more for him. He got inside and was plopped into the shower and the shadow climbed outside the window. The grease slowly disappeared from Aragorn's body and Aragorn was starting to diminish. Before you know it , Aragorn stopped breathing and died.

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A few hours had passed since Aragorn was dragged into the shower. The Fellowship and Faramir began to worry.

" Hey where's Aragorn gone off too?'' Frodo pondered.

" Who knows.'' Gandalf replied uncertainly.

" Maybe he's taking a shower.'' Boromir said thoughtfully.

The Fellowship laughed at this. Aragorn taking a shower is a hilarious thought. When would Aragorn ever take a shower? Little did they know that Boromir is right . Boromir noticed that the door was opened a crack and he thought that Aragorn might be there.

" I think he's in the bathroom. I 've looked for him everywhere else and he wasn't anywhere. He has to be in the bathroom.'' Boromir and the others went into the bathroom and saw Aragorn dead as a doornail.

" Holy Crap! Aragorn is dead!'' Frodo cried obviously.

" Thanks Captain Obvious for stealing Legolas's job.'' Boromir said dryly.

" Sorry, I had to say it.'' Frodo said ignoring Boromir's comment.

Gandalf went closer and turned off the water. He then examined Aragorn thoroughly. " Aragorn has died because his protective layer of grease has washed away.'' Gandalf concluded. " Aragorn has been sued.''

" That's weird man.'' Pippin said in bewilderment. " First Legolas now Aragorn. Their must be something going on.''

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Meanwhile, the shadow watched the whole scene. " Yes, three down and eight to go.'' " It's about time Aragorn died.'' " His body odor could kill us all.'' " Now it's time for him to go!" The shadow thought about this and went away to plan his next murder.

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**Author:** Like I said before. I am sure that Aragorn fan girls probably want to murder me too. Go ahead and riot in the streets I don't care.

**Disclaimer: **Well I do.

**Author:** Really?

**Disclaimer:** No.

**Author:** That was Chapter three and now it's starting to get spooky isn't it?

Read and review everyone! Let's all thank Boromir for finding out where Aragorn was!

**Boromir:** Ummmm I was just taking a guess.

**Author:** Sure. Stay tuned everyone!


	4. Death comes in four

**Author:** Hi everyone! I love you all! Aragorn is dead now and let's all take the time to think about him and Legolas as well. It's time for silence. Thank you everybody for taking the time to observe Aragorn and Legolas. I am again sure that crazy fan girls are rioting in the streets and coming up with ways to kill me. Don't waste your time. Anyway, Disclaimer has been sitting here patiently waiting to tell you the usual piece of crap.

**Disclaimer:** Thank you Author. Lord Of The Rings belongs to Tolkien. All the characters belong to Tolkien except Mary Sue. Basically, that is all. Lord Of The Rings and the characters will always belong to Tolkien. There is everyone satisfied? I have to recite this piece of shit all the time. I even recite it in my sleep. There it goes to show you that I have no life whatsoever. All I do is say that Lord Of The Rings belongs to Tolkien and the Author doesn't. Well I can't take it anymore I want to go to Europe and explore! I'm going to plan right now. Goes off and gets a passport

**Author: **Okay then onwards with the story.

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" Gandalf, I think something is going on.'' Pippin asked shaking.

" Peregrin Took. I believe you.'' Gandalf answered.

" Well what is going on?'' Merry pondered.

" I don't know Meriadoc Brandybuck.'' Gandalf replied gloomy.

Pippin had a deep feeling that something was going on. Three people he knew died of unknown causes. What if he was next or Gandalf or someone else? What was so wrong with Mary Sue, Legolas, and Aragorn? Why did they have to be murdered? I hope I'm not going to be next. Pippin started to shake even more when Faramir and Boromir lifted Aragorn out of the tub. They carried Aragorn outside to where Legolas and Mary Sue were buried. Gandalf dug a whole in the ground and a casket was their already prepared.

They took the time for silence. Aragorn was the best companion anyone could ever have. It was sad that fate was not being kind to him. Tears streamed down their faces as they buried him and Gandalf said some prayers and they walked inside.

" This is not cool!'' Merry cried.

" Of course it isn't.'' Gimli responded.

" _Nin Mellon Estel.'' _Gandalf said sadly._ " Cormamin lindua ele lle.'' _My heart sings to thee _ " Cormamin niuve tenna' ta elea lle au'. _My heart shall weep until it sees thee again.Gandalf isn't gay everyone! Gandalf stood up and went back outside. He found huge pieces of rocks. He then dug holes in the ground next to Aragorn 's grave. Gandalf missed Aragorn like he if he were to be deprived of his staff. Gandalf wrote everyone's name on everyone's grave. " We are all going to die one day or the other.''

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Back inside, the hobbits were in the kitchen looking for food. There was barely any food left. This is terrible for hobbits.

" Bloody hell, there is barely any food!'' Pippin complained.

" We have Frosted Mini Wheat's remember?'' Sam reminded him.

" Frosted Mini Wheat's taste like cardboard!''

" Alright starve. I am going outside to feed Bill.''

With that word, Sam left the kitchen to leave the others searching for food. Sam stepped outside and gazed at Aragorn's grave.

" Strider was my pal. He helped me through many dangers. Without him I feel defenseless. Especially without Gandalf.'' Sam said sadly. Sam noticed Gandalf sitting on the ground. Sam decided to leave him alone and headed to the stable. The stable was a big one with many horses and ponies inside. The horses and ponies were eating in there troughs. Sam walked inside and spotted Bill eating some oats and acting like a pony. Sam grabbed a bag of oats and brought it to Bill's pen. He opened the door and walked inside the pen. " Are you hungry Bill?'' " I have some oats for you.'' Sam said softly.

Sam poured the oats into Bill's trough and Bill pecked the oats. Sam threw back his head and laughed a hearty laugh. " Hey Bill want to go for a ride? You need the exercise.'' Bill shook his head indicating yes. Sam took a saddle, a bridle, and reins and placed it on Bill. Sam then climbed on Bill and kicked off on top speed.

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" How could we not have any food?'' Pippin whined.

" I don't know.'' Merry exclaimed.

" All we have is the leftover rump roast from two weeks ago.'' Frodo said as he checked the refrigerator.

" Rump roast sucks man!'' Pippin said as he looked like he was going to vomit. " We will starve!'' "I'm already hungry."

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Sam and Bill rode in the countryside with the blue sky with them. Sam needed to clear his head. All the events that happened this past week drove him nuts. It all started with the death of Mary Sue then Legolas and yesterday Aragorn. Sam had the same thoughts just like Pippin. " Hey Bill, do you know that this week has been hectic. Mary Sue died then Legolas and now Aragorn is dead too.'' " Why did they get killed and who is the culprit?'' Bill whinnied and started to trot. Sam rode on into the hills.

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An hour later, Sam and Bill returned to the House Of Elrond. Sam got off and took Bill to the stable. Sam then took off Bill's saddle and reins and the bridle and placed them on a hook. Then he led Bill into the pen and closed the door. Sam walked back inside and left Bill alone with the other horses. It was starting to get dark and Sam wanted to get back quickly as possible.

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The sky was dark as night and the shadow paced back and fourth thinking of a plan for his next murder. " The next ones to die are the three hobbits Merry, Frodo, and Pippin.'' " Authors who release Mary Sues into the Shire and try to get the hobbits to fall in love with them and they go on the quest with them too!'' " They shan't exist any longer! But how do I murder them?'' How could he kill them without anyone knowing? The shadow went to pace back and forth. This was too hard for him. Mary Sue, Legolas, and Aragorn were easy, but the hobbits are hard. Really, they didn't have anything bad about them except that they have been sued many times than you could count. The shadow needed inspiration. The shadow vacated the cave and went to the window of Elrond's house. The window happened to be open and he could hear the conversation.

" WHO THE FUCK DECIDED TO EAT ALL THE FOOD IN THE FUCKING HOUSE?'' Pippin roared at everyone.

" Nobody did we were probably robbed.'' Gandalf replied calmly.

" BUT THERE ISN'T ANY EVIDENCE OF BURGLARS BEING IN HERE!'' Pippin continued to roar.

" Maybe, the burglars are good at not acting like they were here.'' Faramir responded with deep thought.

" OH FUCK, WE MIGHT AS WELL ALL BE LOCKED IN SOME ROOM AND STARVE TO DEATH.'' Pippin furiously got up and stormed out of the room.

This made the shadow all filled with glee. This was the best inspiration he ever received in his life. " That's it, When the hobbits are sleeping, I'll take them and put them in the cell in the house and lock them in.'' the shadow went back to the cave to celebrate.

An hour passed since the conversation and everyone fell asleep. The shadow went to the back to the window to where the hobbits room was. The window was also open too. The shadow climbed inside quickly and quietly. He grabbed each hobbit and climbed out and went into the basement. There was the room. The room was a small one, which was actually a cell. The shadow opened the door and threw the hobbits inside the cell and locked the door and blocked the window. The shadow then took the keys that were in the lock and threw them into a random fireplace. The shadow went upstairs and locked the door to the basement and climbed out the window.

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The next morning, Pippin woke up. He looked around and jumped. " Where are we?'' Pippin was starting to get nervous. He woke up Merry by rocking back in fourth. " Merry, wake up! I'm scared?''

" Merry!''

Merry woke up with huge bags under his eyelids and yawned and stretched. " Pippin what is going on?'' he yawned.

" We are not in Elrond's house anymore!''

Merry got up and surveyed the cell with an interesting look. The cell was very murky. Water seeped in through the ceiling. The whole place was just grimy. " Where are we?'' Merry asked quizzically.

" Who knows.'' Pippin replied uncertainly.

Frodo and Sam woke up groggily. They stood up and surveyed the jail with horror.

" We must be in a dungeon!'' Frodo and Sam cried in shock.

" This doesn't look like a dungeon.'' Pippin said with sarcasm.

" But, how did we get here?'' Merry asked.

" We clicked our heels and said there is no place like a dungeon there is no place like a dungeon.'' Pippin answered with more dripping sarcasm.

" Shut up Dorothy. Be serious!'' Frodo said seriously.

" So how do we get out?'' Sam asked as he tried to bring everyone to the subject.

" I don't know. We are stuck.''

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The shadow sat back in the cave laughing manically. This was definitely working. There was no way they could escape.

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Five minutes passed and there was still no sign of the hobbits. Gandalf and the others began to worry.

" Has anyone seen the hobbits?'' Gandalf asked worriedly.

" No.'' Faramir said.

" I haven't seen them since three weeks ago when Pippin was ranting about food.'' Gimli replied being informative.

" Yes.'' Boromir said agreeing with Gimli.

" I have searched the entire house for them and they are not anywhere.'' Gandalf answered.

They decided to look for them. They went into the basement. The dungeon looked the same way as it did before and Gimli looked around the room with disgust on his face. Gandalf spotted the cell where the hobbits were. He saw the hobbits lying in the cell dead from starvation.

They ran down the stairs and looked at the hobbits dead bodies and their eyes opened.

" Oh my lord they can't be dead.'' Boromir looked at each hobbit.

Gandalf ripped down the doors and went to the hobbits.

" They must have starved to death. They must have been in here the whole day without food.'' " The hobbits have been sued.'' Gandalf finally concluded.

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The shadow watched through the window and smiled at the hobbits being dead and Gandalf and the others going frantic. " Well so far my plan has worked. Now I'm off too get a Brazilian wax.'' The shadow then left the cave and knew that life was too good.

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**Author: **The hobbits have been sued. I'm sorry Samara13 but they had to go. You can start a riot in the streets and start your own campaign I don't give a dam. Well I hope you all enjoyed this story so far, more chapters to come. Who knows what evil lurks in the minds of men? The shadow knows! Stay tuned!


	5. Another One Bites The Dust

**Author: ** 'Ello everyone. You probably think that this story is stupid and dose not any plot at all and it's just everyone getting killed. First of all, this is stupid because it's supposed to be. Second of all, you will understand the plot at the end. You have to wait until the end until you find out everything. This is why you should keep reading the story in order so everything makes sense. And now it's time for something completely different. And now it's……………. Theme to Monty Python's Flying Circus plays No! And now it's Disclaimer! Can anyone find the Monty Python reference in this chapter? If you can then you are incredibly smart. You will also receive a cookie.

**Disclaimer: **Hi everybody. For today's report, the usual piece of shit. I am not saying it anymore.

**Author:** Umm Disclaimer, you have to say it so we don't get sued.

**Disclaimer:** The readers know it. Do you think that someone is so stupid that they would sue you for copying the work of Tolkien?

**Author:** How do you know?

**Disclaimer:** Fine, the Author does not own Lord Of The Rings blah blah now you can go back and do what you were doing scram!

**Author:** Onwards, with the story.

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The hobbits were buried and everyone was once again filled with sorrow. Gandalf was in the living room smoking a pipe. While he smoked the pipe, he decided to think. He thought about all the previous events. These last two weeks had afflicted on him and everyone else terribly. " Another One Bites the Dust.'' Gandalf said as he voice became mellow and sad. " I wonder who killed them all? Why are they doing this?'' Gandalf decided to sing a song to clear his head:

Ooh, let's go  
Steve walks warily down the street  
With the brim pulled way down low  
Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet  
Machine guns ready to go

Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this  
Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat  
Out of the doorway the bullets rip  
To the sound of the beat - yeah

Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust  
And another one gone and another one gone  
Another one bites the dust, eh  
Hey, I'm gonna get you too  
Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along  
Without you when you're gone  
You took me for everything that I had  
And kicked me out on my own

Are you happy, are you satisfied ?  
How long can you stand the heat  
Out of the doorway the bullets rip  
To the sound of the beat  
Look out

Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust  
And another one gone and another one gone  
Another one bites the dust, eh  
Hey, I'm gonna get you too  
Another one bites the dust

Hey  
Oh take it  
Bites the dust - bite the dust hey  
Hey  
Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust, ow  
Another one bites the dust, hey hey  
Another one bites the dust, heeey  
Ooh show down

There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man  
And bring him to the ground  
You can beat him  
You can cheat him  
You can treat him bad and leave him  
When he's down, yeah  
But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you  
I'm standing on my own two feet  
Out of the doorway the bullets rip  
Repeating to the sound of the beat  
Oh yeah

Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust  
And another one gone and another one gone  
Another one bites the dust, yeah  
Hey, I'm gonna get you too  
Another one bites the dust  
Shoot out  
Hey, alright

" Gandalf what are you talking about?'' Faramir poked his head through the door.

" I'm saying that Another One well a few bite the Dust.''

" That is a good song.'' Faramir cheered.

" Yes, but the point is we are all going to perish if we don't find out who killed Mary Sue and the others.''

Faramir stepped inside and closed the door and the door slammed. " What can we do?'' " We haven't found any evidence of anyone related to the murders. Plus I'm glad Mary Sue is gone. Don't get me wrong Gandalf, but Mary Sue was a bitch at times. I never understood why Legolas was so in love with her.'' " Apparently, Legolas got what he wanted you know what I mean?''

" Erm no I don't.'' Gandalf looked at Faramir with keen eyes and gave Faramir with a quizzical look.

" Legolas always said that he would die for Mary Sue. Guess what? He got what he wanted.''

Gandalf leaned back in his chair. Faramir was talking so rationally that is scared the wits out of him. " Faramir, you don't need to be so rational.''

" Gandalf, there must be a conspiracy going on.''

" What kind of conspiracy are you talking about?'' Gandalf replied with a sinister tone.

" I don't know.'' Faramir said inhaling and exhaling.

" Where are Boromir and Gimli? It's time for a meeting.'' Gandalf responded switching to another subject. " BOROMIR GIMLI, GET YO ASS UP IN THE HIZZLE FO SHIZZLE!'' Boromir and Gimli jumped through the ceiling don't ask questions.

" Who would of thought that Gandalf belonged on the East Side yo!'' Boromir said using his wit and sarcasm.

" We have to discuss something.''

" Gandalf the White, this better be something good I was eating a very good snack.'' Gimli said angrily.

" Well Gimli, what we need to discuss is more fulfilling than a snack.'' Gandalf replied humorously.

" Don't count on it.'' Gimli muttered.

" Come on Gandalf get on with it.'' Faramir said pushing Gandalf to the point.

" GET ON WITH IT!'' Random people yelled from the window.

" Yes, even listen to the people outside.'' Boromir said haughtily.

" Okay we all know about the previous events that happened in the past two weeks?''

" Yes,'' Faramir, Boromir, and Gimli chorused.

" Mary Sue, Legolas, Aragorn, and the hobbits have been murdered in the past two weeks.'' " Who could be the killer?

" I don't know.'' Faramir said.

Gandalf and the others chatted about this. They concluded nothing. Gandalf was starting to grow suspicious of the others. It had to be one of them, but who? Gandalf scratched his beard repeatedly. Apparently, a few minutes of thought produced nothing.

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The shadow grimaced when he watched Gandalf and the others. " That's right Gandalf, you don't know who the killer is mwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!''

" The next one to be murdered is Boromir.'' " I don't know how to do it though.'' Boromir is going to be tough.'' The shadow stumbled on this thought. Mary Sue, Legolas, and Aragorn, and the hobbits were easy.''

The shadow leaned back on the wall. The shadow then heard stomping and horns blowing and shouting coming from the forest. The shadow ran to the forest and peeked through the bushes. It was the Uruk- hai army marching through the forest with violence. They stomped on the ground and knocking down trees. Lurtz looked very shifty running through the forest. The shadow watched with inspiration. " That's it. Maybe they could do something.''

Lurtz and the other Uruk-hai stopped and detected the shadow. Lurtz climbed into the bushes were the shadow hid. " Hey maggot, what are you doing here in these parts?''

" Nothing just walking around. What are you doing here?'' The shadow replied being snotty.

" Anyone here that walks around can be suspicious. We are looking for a Boromir of Gondor, have you seen him?'' Lurtz replied gruffly.

The shadow pulled his arm down and did a victory dance. That's it! They could help him kill Boromir. But first he wanted to get some things out of Lurtz. " Why do you want to know?''

" Boromir shall die because he is the son of the Steward of Gondor and all Gondorians shall be put to death.''

" Well, I do know where he is. What do I get if I tell you?''

" Nothing!''

" Well fine then. But I do want to kill Boromir too. I want to kill him because he has been sued by Mary Sues.''

" Oh, that's a good reason to kill him.'' Lurtz agreed.

" Yes. Now if I tell you where Boromir is hiding. Will you help me?''

" Yes anything.'' Lurtz bowed.

" Okay. Boromir is staying at Lord Elrond's house in Rivendell.''

" Thank you for the information.'' Lurtz said happily.

" Now tomorrow afternoon, you are to come out here to the backyard with your weapons.''

" How will you get Boromir to come out though?''

" I'll send a letter.'' "Then once you see him shoot many arrows until he is dead.'' " Agree?''

" Yes I do.'' Lurtz swore himself to the shadow. Lurtz and his army marched away out of sight.

………………………………………………………………………………..

The next day came and Boromir woke up smelling the coffee. " Hmm I bet Gandalf is making some Maxwell House Coffee.'' Boromir got up wearing his nightcap, rainbow pajamas, and his bunny slippers. Boromir smelled the coffee and closed his eyes imagining the coffee beans pouring into the coffee machine and churned and bubbled. Boromir opened his eyes and ran downstairs and smelled the coffee.

" Hey Boromir, a note for you.'' Gandalf said dismissively.

Boromir waltzed to the table acting sluggish. He grabbed the note and read it out loud:

Dear Boromir,

Please meet me outside immediately. I have some things to talk with you. Business matters to be more specific. My carriage should be arriving shortly, please come out now.

Love,

Denathor aka, Denny, aka Papa D.

PS: Sorry to mench, if you finished with the lawn edger can you pop it in the post?

Boromir closed the letter and tucked inside his shirt pocket. What a random letter. What business matters does Denathor want to speak to me about? Boromir thought it might have to do with him getting married. Boromir never thought about marriage in his life. Boromir thought that Denathor brought the girl he was going to marry. " What was the letter about Boromir?'' Gandalf asked.

" My father wants to speak to me and he wants to meet me outside now.''

" Oh what a fool. He probably wants you to go on some dumb quest that has to do with being their for Gondor.'' Gandalf replied being pissed at Denathor.

Boromir sped outside and ran into the backyard. But, no one was there. "Wait a minute. Father requested that he wanted me here immediately.''

Suddenly, arrows flew into the air and pierced Boromir's body. These arrows weren't enough for Boromir. Boromir is the man who won't die.

" Oh my lord, die already!'' Lurtz shouted from the bushes.

Oh Lurtz you will get your wish soon enough. Finally, Boromir was no more. He was dead.

………………………………………………………………………………

" Hey Gandalf, where's Boromir?'' Faramir asked worriedly.

" He said that your father arrived and he wanted to speak to him about some things.''

" What could that stupid git want anyway?'' Faramir said darkly.

" Business matters.''

" Go figure.''

" What do you mean?''

" Of course he set up Boromir to go on a quest to represent Gondor. He never would set one up for me.''

" Don't be sad. Faramir. Your father loves you deep down inside.''

" Right.''

Faramir stepped away from Gandalf and walked outside. Faramir was so angry. He was in fury. How could father come to only see Boromir and not Faramir? Faramir walked past a dead guy with arrows lodged all over him.

Faramir stopped and went toward the dead guy. He removed all the arrows and the identity was uncovered. " Holy crap!'' " Boromir is dead!'' He then called for Gandalf and Gimli. " GANDALF AND GIMLI, BOROMIR IS DEAD!'' Faramir bellowed. Gandalf and Gimli rushed out and checked out Boromir.

" My brother my captain my king!'' Faramir cried.

" Where have I heard this before?'' Gimli asked thinking of this familiar statement.

" Boromir must have been sued.'' Gandalf said sadly.

" Another One Bites The Dust.'' Faramir concluded.

………………………………………………………………………………

The shadow thanked Lurtz for helping him succeed in killing Boromir.

" Well I killed Boromir.'' " Now I'm going to go and try to hang off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bye!'' The shadow left Lurtz and his armies and he smiled.

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**Author:** Well it's starting to get closer to the end. Can anyone figure out a Monty Python quote? If you guess correctly, I will check out your stories and send a wonderful review! Stay tuned!


	6. Fire!

**Author:** Hi everybody! Deaths and more deaths have happened. This story is getting closer to finding out the killer. Keep reading! Disclaimer, do your thing!

**Disclaimer: ** Author does not own Lord Of The Rings. If she did, she wouldn't be writing this story. That's it I'm getting out of here. Also, the Author does not own " Another One Bites The Dust.'' Now I must go because I have a life to lead.

**Author:** Shut up! Please review! Does anyone know what the Monty Python references were in the previous chapter? If you do, you get a cookie. Now let's go to the story.

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Boromir was buried along with everyone else. The afternoon went by with sorrow and loss of hope. Faramir started to cry deeply. Faramir sat next to Boromir's grave and wept until he could not weep any longer.

" Why did Boromir have to die?'' Faramir screamed shaking his fist at God.

" What did Boromir ever do to you? Father is going to hate me a lot worst than he hated me before.''

Gandalf came outside and saw Faramir cursing at God. " Faramir, why are you cursing at the Lord?''

" Boromir is dead and it's the Lord's fault for neglecting him.''

" No it isn't.''

" Since when have you been Mr. Priest?''

" Never.''

Faramir stood up and waltzed away slowly. He kept his head turned and walked into a tree.

" Owww.'' Faramir rubbed his head then danced inside.

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The afternoon then turned into darkness. The shadow hid in the cave he lived. He needed to kill more people in Middle Earth that are sued a lot in fan fiction stories. The shadow looked over at a fire blazing nearby and got an idea. " What if I set them on fire?'' The shadow then walked away with an evil grin on his face.

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Gimli was outside in the dark sitting by the fire. It was so cold out but it didn't bother Gimli. At least it was what he thought. Gimli took out his ax and chopped the trees. " It's fun to chop down trees.'' " I wonder what it's like to be a lumberjack.'' " I never wanted to be involved in a battle for Middle Earth. I want to be a… lumberjack!''

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day.

Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,  
I go to the lavatory.  
On Wednesdays I go shopping  
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,  
He goes to the lavatory.  
On Wednesdays he goes shopping  
And has buttered scones for tea.

Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,  
I like to press wild flowers.  
I put on women's clothing,  
And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,  
He likes to press wild flowers.  
He puts on women's clothing,  
And hangs around in bars.

Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees; I wear high heels,  
Suspendies and a bra.  
I wish I'd been a girlie,  
Just like my dear pappa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?  
Suspendies...and a bra?

...he's a lumberjack and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

...he's a lumberjack and he's OKAAAAAAAAAAYYY.  
He sleeps all night and he works all day

" Yes that is the life for me.'' Gimli sighed then put out the fire and went inside.

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The next day, Faramir awoke to a beautiful day. Faramir then got up and jumped out the window. Faramir landed on a chair and his ass caught on fire. The chair was on fire and now Faramir's ass caught on fire too.

" Crap my ass is on fire!'' Faramir shouted.

Faramir kept on shouting but Gandalf and Gimli did not appear. An hour later he was completely on fire and Gandalf and Gimli came out like nothing was happening. Gimli then ran to fetch water and Gandalf calmed down well at least tried to calm down Faramir. Faramir's body was so burned that he fell over and died. A few seconds later Gimli came back with the water and splashed it over him.

" Holy molly, Faramir is dead.'' Gandalf cried in despair. " Faramir has been sued.''

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The shadow watched the whole scene and laughed manically. " This is so great! Now I'm off to be a show girl at Casers Palace bye!'' The shadow then left.

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**Author:** Well Faramir is gone now. Will Gandalf and Gimli be killed too stay tuned for more? I do not own the Lumberjack Song. Obviously. Stay tuned! Read and Review! Does anyone know the Monty Python References in Chapter 5? I'll give you a cookie.


	7. The killer

**Author:** Hi everyone! I am very sorry that I haven't been attending to A Mary Sue Murder in a while. I had major writers block lately. I bet all you readers are dying to know who killed Mary Sue and the others. You will find out in this chapter as the final chapter. If you haven't read the whole thing I suggest you go back and do so. Here is Disclaimer to tell you the usual piece of shit.

**Disclaimer:** Thank you Author. For today's usual piece of shit, once again Author does not own Lord Of The Rings. If she did, she wouldn't be writing this piece of crap. It would be amazing if Tolkien rose from the dead and gave her copyrights and other stuff. Obviously that will never happen. Back to you Author.

**Author:** Thank you Disclaimer for informing us on today's usual piece of shit. Time for the story!

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" Wow,'' Gandalf said to Gimli. " I never thought you could keep your beard that long.''

" Well,'' Gimli replied being husky. " This beard has been very kind to me these two hundred years.''

" I know.''

Gandalf and Gimli were bored out of their minds. Since everyone was dead and Elrond was away in Lothlorien dealing with business matters, they couldn't annoy anyone anymore. What were they to do? Could they talk about Gimli's beard? No they couldn't!

" Hey Gimli we have to talk.'' Gandalf held his head high.

" What about?'' Gimli stopped playing with his beard.

" Who is the killer?''

" I don't know.''

" Someone detested Mary Sue and the others and wanted them killed for good.''

" But for what reason?''

" Who knows.''

" Gimli, you and myself have to go on a mission to find the culprit.'' Gandalf said.

" I'm sorry Gandalf but I have to be frank with you,'' Gimli replied frankly. " We don't have any evidence. There are no clues at all. What are we supposed to do?''

" Absolutely nothing!''

" Yeah you old goat! Let's just sit here and wait for him to come. Smart!'' Gimli goaded Gandalf.

" Then what shall we do Master Dwarf since you think you are so clever at these things?'' Gandalf rose from his chair angrily.

Gimli sat down in a chair and crossed his legs. Should they just go out and search for the murderer or wait for culprit to come to them?

" Look Gandalf, maybe there is nothing we can do. The killer didn't leave any footprints, which is weird. What choice is there?''

Gandalf's face softened and paced around the room. He constantly stroked his beard while he was in thought. " We could…………… oh never mind forget it.''

" Forget what?''

" Oh nothing. It's no good use anyway. Unless we could…………… oh bloody hell that's useless.''

" Gandalf stop playing games with me and tell me what you have in mind!'' Gimli yelled being exasperated.

For an hour Gandalf paced around the room coming up with an idea and then dismissing it.

" Gandalf we don't have much time!''

" Then you figure it out then smartass!''

" I would but I'm not that smart.''

" You stupid dwarf stop complaining about my ideas. If you hate them, then come up with something better! If you can't then shut the hell up!''

" Ideas? Ideas,'' Gimli said as his anger towards Gandalf rose and his face was red as a tomato. " You haven't come up with any ideas! We haven't done anything!''

" Yes I did. You dismissed them all. I haven't heard any contributions from you at all!''

" STOP BEING SUCH A OLD GOAT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR ATTITUDE!'' Gimli furiously left the room muttering " Stupid old git!''

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The shadow hid in the cave once more to check out how things were going.

Nothing seemed to be wrong at all. The shadow had the strong feeling that everything was going his way. Everyone that existed on his hit list died. The shadow abandoned the cave. He went out to see how the others were grieving for Faramir. The shadow stopped dead by the river because he saw Gimli sitting by the river and made rocks skip across. " I can't take this bullshit anymore. Gandalf is such an old toad. He does nothing!'' Gimli sighed and threw rocks into a ditch.

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Night progressed and Gandalf sat in his chair. He would be usually be smoking a pipe but Pippin stole his pipe. So, he sat in a chair in the sitting room pondering about life, he reminisced about this afternoon with Gimli storming out of the room. Gimli was probably outside in the cold night freezing his ass off. Gandalf wondered if he should go outside and fetch Gimli or stay here thinking about things. A few moments later, Gimli stomped inside and threw off his boots and accidentally threw them into the fireplace. The fireplace exploded all over the room until Gandalf put it out.

" So Master Dwarf, decided to come inside when you were defeated by the cold?'' Gandalf laughed.

" You will be defeated if you don't shut up.'' Gimli said angrily.

Gandalf said nothing and read some manuscripts

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The shadow was trying to sneak into the house. So far, he got to the first step. Eerie music started to play.

" Shut up,'' the shadow yelled. " Can't you tell that I'm trying to be sneaky?''

" Sorry,'' the musician mumbled an apology.

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Gimli and Gandalf eyed each other suspiciously. " I wonder if Gandalf is the killer?'' Gimli thought. " I wonder if Gimli is the killer?'' Gandalf thought.

Gimli got up and Gandalf screamed a girly scream.

" Did you think that I was going to kill you?'' Gimli asked.

" It looked like it.'' Gandalf said.

Gimli and Gandalf argued back and forth. Suddenly, the lights went out which made Gandalf and Gimli jump.

" What's going on?'' Gimli asked being scared.

" I don't know.'' Gandalf asked worriedly.

Gandalf took out a torch and lit it, but the torch blew out.

" Damn it.''

There was a creak in the door and as a shadow walked in holding a gun.

" Who are you? Speak!'' Gandalf demanded.

" Well, you never thought it was me," the killer mocked. You spent all your time fighting each other when all this time it was me! Bill the Pony!''

" Bill the Pony!'' Gandalf and Gimli chorused.

" Bill, why would you commit such an atrocity?'' Gandalf pondered.

" I committed this atrocity because Middle Earth is sick. It is sick with Mary Sues running around and messing up with time. Don't forget about messing up the Fellowship. Yes I was responsible for: MarySueMaryJaneStarWildfireMoonbeamRobinRenRainbowYoMama

MichaelJacksonSmith let's call her Mary Sue's death and the others.

" We understand you killed Mary Sue. No one liked her except Legolas. But, why did you kill the others?''

Bill walked around the room and faced Gandalf and Gimli.

" Why did you kill the others? I'll tell you why. They're the cause of the Mary Sues wandering through Middle Earth."

" You aren't going to tell anyone because I'm going to kill you both.'' Bill raised his gun and aimed at Gandalf and Gimli.

The room turned into darkness again.

The End!

THE END?

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**Author: **Is it really the end? I'm sorry I took so long to put up this chapter. I've been really busy. But now, you can all be happy that you finally found out who was behind this whole thing. Read and Review! Oh and the answers to what the Monty Python references in Chapter 5 were: Get on with it! Obviously True fans would know this and the other one was: the P.S in the letter. It was the Sorry to mench; if you finished with the lawn edger can you pop it in the post? Well read my other story called: " Oh I'm Here And I'm Queer!''

**Disclaimer:** For the last time, the Author does not own Lord Of The Rings just Mary Sue. She does not own the " Lumberjack Song." I forgot about Another Bites the Dust. Woooooooooooo! Now I can eat some free food!

Eats some free food.


End file.
